Tears Are Nothing Compared to This
by Quil Explodes
Summary: Crying isn't just for girls werewolves cry too . For Cuban Sombrero Gal's "Five Things" challenge in the HPFC forum.


_Four times Sirius saw Remus cry..._

**I.**

An eleven year-old Sirius Black walks into the dormitory. He looks around, his eyes taking in the nearly-empty room, Remus' closed hangings, the sense of a _presence_ behind them.

He sits on his bed, dragging the heavy Charms book onto his lap, twirling his wand between his fingers. The words _Wingardium Leviosa!_ come out of his mouth, his wand swishes and flicks, and the book is hovering two feet above his knees.

Sirius' face splits into a grin, the sort of grin only a Black in Gryffindor Tower who's just done a spell perfectly can manage.

He lets his wand drop and the book lands on his knees painfully, causing Sirius to swear more colorfully than most eleven-year-olds could, courtesy of Bellatrix, his Uncle Alphard, and James.

He hears a muffled laugh and a sniff behind the closed curtains.

He slides off his bed, his bare feet hitting the carpet with a dull _thud_.

"Remus?"

No answer.

"Remus? You there?"

"Yeah." It's soft and gentle, quite like Remus himself.

Sirius pulls the hangings apart.

"Remusssss...what's wrong?"

"Nothing." His eyes are almost closed, a look of deadly fear hidden deep in his expression.

"But..."

"Nothing. Just--just homesick." The lie is obvious, but Sirius bites his lip and doesn't mention it.

"Oh. Sorry." Sirius truthfully can't offer any empathy, seeing as he's never been happier to be away from home.

Remus just shakes his head, and Sirius furrows his eyebrows and goes to find James.

* * *

**II.**

Sirius Black is fourteen and fearless.

He is, _completely_ on James' request (he really _doesn't_ want to be here at all, for the record) spying on Remus and Lily.

Well, not spying, really. Just crouching under the Cloak while they have a very intense conversation in the (empty) common room.

"I should've found out sooner," Lily is saying. Sirius looks at her face and notices a strange change from the always-angry one James seems to conjure every time he speaks to her. Or looks at her. Or is within ten feet of her.

Her eyes are gentle and concerned, her mouth slightly open. She reaches out and touches Remus' shoulder with a look of complete concern and Sirius feels an unpleasant lurch in his stomach that he supposes must be empathy for James, had he been here.

Remus' eyes flicker around the room, as if to see James and Sirius hiding and listening. Sirius feels slightly guilty, but pushes it away. After all, he's not spying on _Remus_, just Lily. For James.

But still, he barely breathes, thinking of Remus being able to hear better than, well, normal people, and trying to be as silent as possible.

"No you shouldn't have, Lily. You should never have found out."

"Why not? Why am I not allowed to find out and help you and bring you chocolate in the hospital wing like Black and Potter and Pettigrew?" Sirius feels even more uncomfortable when he realizes what they're talking about, and he wants to go and put his arm around Remus and make him not worried and scared of himself any more.

"Sirius and James and Peter," Remus mumbles, a slight flush creeping up the sides of his face.

"Yes, okay," Lily says impatiently. "But--"

"Lily, I'm not going to _Obliviate_ you or anything. You think I can do that? I can just ask you to forget it, okay?"

"No, Remus, why would I forget it?"

"Because--for both of our...good."

"But Remus--"

"Lily. Please."

"Remus, you're a better friend to me than most of my girl friends. Why would you think--_oh_. You think I _care_." The way Lily says it, it sounds laughable. Sirius' opinion of the redhead increases and he may even be feeling the beginnings of a slight fondness for her. But only because of how much it seems like she cares for Remus.

"Of course you care. You've just realized your friend is a bloody _werewolf_. Of course you _care_." His hands are in fists and his eyes are sparkling.

"Well, of course I care, Remus, but not in the way you think. I care because...Good Lord, Remus, why do you _think_ I care?"

"Lily, I don't--" He's shaking his head, his hair covering his eyes. "Lily..."

"You know, we have a lot in common," Lily says conversationally, sitting down and pulling Remus down on the sofa next to her. "We both have to endure prejudices from the Wizarding world because of something we have no control over, who we are." She continues on, even more brightly, "and we both have to deal with something happening each month to us that we have no control over--and that involves a lot of blood. Not to mention that we both are ridiculously obsessed with getting good marks, and we both work way more than we have to."

Sirius edges silently around the sofa so he can see their faces. Lily is smiling, and Remus lets out a half-laugh, choked by a soft sob, covered by embarrassment.

"Lily, I--"

"No, Remus. Don't say anything."

The lurch in Sirius' stomach is a hundred times worse now, when Lily rubs her thumb across Remus' cheekbone, crushes him in a strong hug.

"I won't mention the other thing we have in common," Lily murmurs, and Sirius has to strain to hear it.

"No. You will not."

Lily laughs softly.

Sirius reckons it's because she's a girl, and more that she's Lily. She's Lily and she's all...all caring and sympathetic and soft and all the things girls are supposed to be, and that's why he can cry now and not when he and James and Peter found out.

He wonders what he's going to tell James.

* * *

**III.**

James is almost jumping up and down from excitement. Peter looks around the forest nervously. Sirius just stares at Remus.

"Okay. Everyone got it?" Sirius looks away, from James to Peter and then back to Remus.

Remus looks confused. "Got what?"

"Patience, patience." Sirius grins lopsidedly, ruffling Remus' hair with one hand. Remus swats him away. "What's going on? Why aren't we in Hogsmeade..."

"Trust me, you'll like this loads better than Dungbombs," Sirius assures him.

"I like loads of things loads better than Dungbombs," he says, but smiles.

--

Three seconds later, there is a large, noble-looking stag in the place where James had been standing.

Peter follows, and it takes him a little longer, but soon a little grey rat clambers up the stag's shoulders, perching on his head, between his ears. The stag's ears twitch.

Sirius takes one last look at Remus but then he is a dog in half a second, almost effortlessly. And everything, the work, the _years_ of work and difficulty and _everything_ is _so_ _worth_ the look on Remus' face.

The big black dog bounds around the stag joyfully, then jumps on Remus, his front paws colliding with his chest, knocking him over. His wet tongue licks Remus' face messily.

"Urgh, Sirius, that's disgusting!" Remus says, shoving Sirius away, but he's laughing.

The stag prods the dog with his antlers, giving as close to a laugh as possible when he's a stag when Sirius yelps and tumbles, crashing into Remus again.

The stag folds his long legs and lies down, his big hazel eyes--_James' eyes_--circled by a faint black spectacle line, a bit like McGonagall's cat-eyes--Remus can't help grinning at that--gazing at Remus and the shaggy black dog.

He lies haphazardly across Remus's legs, pressing his nose into his leg. Remus runs his fingers through the thick fur.

"Sirius?" He whispers. The dog whines, licking his hand, smiling a big dog-smile.

Remus buries his face in the warm fur and the dog wriggles in his lap.

--

"Moony?"

Sirius knocks hesitantly on the door, sparing a quick glance behind him to see that James and Peter are safely asleep in their respective beds.

"Remus?"

No answer. Sirius tries the door, and it's locked.

"_Alohomora._"

"Remus?"

Remus is sitting on the floor of the bathroom, half-dressed, with trousers on and shirt off. His head is in his arms, on his knees.

Sirius bites his lip, sliding down the wall to sit beside him. "Remus? You okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, just--stupid, really, just--I'm just being stupid."

Sirius' fingers brush Remus' hair from his face.

"Sirius--I--just--"

"Shh, no, it's okay," Sirius murmurs, running his fingers through the soft golden locks. Remus takes a short, deep breath in, his hands wiping at his cheeks furiously.

"Shoud've done a better locking spell," he mutters.

Sirius laughs. "Don't be ridiculous."

"I--sorry. I am. Just what I am, right now."

Sirius disentangles his fingers and ruffles his hair quickly, affectionately. "I'm _overjoyed_ to witness firsthand the unflinching faith you have in us, Moony. I must admit, I'm quite surprised."

Remus half-laughs. "Sirius."

"And you even knew we were going to do it!"

"Sarcasm has never suited you very well."

"Oh? Has it not? Well, I'll have you know--"

"It's okay, you don't need to prove anything. I'm the one crying on the floor of the bathroom."

Sirius traces a scar down the side of Remus' back with cool fingers. Remus shivers.

"Werewolves cry too. It was an emotional day. I must admit, I quite feel like joining you."

"Go ahead," Remus says dryly.

"Well. Almost." Sirius grins cheekily, slinging an arm around Remus' shoulders. "Come on, the others are waiting to celebrate."

"Waiting asleep?" Remus asks skeptically.

"We can wake them. The Marauders never pass up an excuse to get drunk."

"Of course not."

* * *

**IV.**

"No. Don't."

"Don't make this harder than it has to be."

"It doesn't have to _be_ at all."

They stand on opposite sides of the room but they still don't have to shout.

"Are you serious?"

Sirius smiles tiredly, but does not respond.

"No, I don't want you to answer that."

"Didn't think so."

Remus is biting his lip, so hard that it bleeds. Sirius tears his gaze away. He glances out the window.

"I have to go. Soon."

"Go!" Remus spits, throwing his arms in the air. "Go now, Sirius. Go. I don't ca--" He breaks off. He can't say what is so obviously a lie.

"Remus, you know it's not because of you."

"No, Pads. I know it's exactly because of me. It's because of what I am and who I am and everything. Don't lie to me."

"Remus, it's not--"

"No one can trust a werewolf, can they?"

Sirius is silent for a few seconds, a few seconds where Remus is deathly quiet with fury and his eyes are shining, dangerously close to overflowing.

"Don't. It has nothing to do with that. We know you, we know you're not--not like that."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Don't bring that up," Sirius skates over the question. "Don't bring that up because you know it's not true."

"I don't know anything anymore."

Sirius watches helplessly as Remus grabs his wand and shoves past him, turning his head away to hide his tears. And he can't say anything, can't say anything in time, because Remus hardly ever cries and when he does Sirius feels like he's the one being stabbed a thousand times, _Crucio_ed a thousand more.

* * *

_...and the one time he didn't_

**V.**

Remus stares at the wall.

It looks like an archway.

The thin curtain floats eerily before the window.

Remus cries.

The tears run down his face heavily, fast, in a rush to escape the agony in his eyes.

Remus stands and stares and cries and Sirius does not see.


End file.
